my mother's death

It's been 3 months since my last entry. My mother died, not unexpectedly,
and I had to deal with it. I still am somewhat shell shocked,
but my life continues on toward my destiny.

I sit here, all alone in my emptied childhood home, awaiting
its sale.

I now know the feeling of "you can never go home anymore".

My mother gave us all a good death to remember. The last
2 days of her life were in hospice, and when they finally
gave her morphine, she opened her eyes, held each of our hands,
and said "I love you" to each of us.

I pray she went into heaven, and not another earth reincarnation.

My mother always was into the "other world", and she taught me
to see the gods and goddesses of this world, and the magic.
That is priceless knowledge.

My mother did her earthly duties well. She faithfully passed
on her genetic material, making a point not to smoke nor drink during
her pregnancies.
She also always welcomed me back home, when I was broke and had
no place to go. I always was a dreamer, so that was quite often.
I hope that God shows her the same accomodation, which she showed to me.

Her ashes were buried next to her mother, as was her desire.
I, being the oldest son, shoveled the last dirt over her.

I now, am consumed by thoughts of the next world.
Being born back in 1951, I have seen the demise of the natural world,
the change from earth to eaarth, and feel no desire to continue on,
other than for my inate sense of self-preservation.

My initiation as a White Tara, by Tibetan Buddhist monks years ago,
looms very large for me now. All my thoughts are now dedicated to
transcending, and I've been experiencing some of the tests described
in the Tibetan Book of the Dead.

I may not make another entry for quite some time, as I will be making
a difficult move back into the woods of south Georgia, where I used to
live in an old schoolbus which I converted into a cabin.

I intend to make more entries, describing my thoughts and experiences,
as my growth as a White Tara comes to completion. It probably will sound
crazy to most, but as my teacher once said....
"if you understand, no explanation is neccesary;
if you don't understand, no explanation is possible."

P.S. I want to thank my neice, for holding my hand for a little while,
thus alleviating my panic and lonliness. Thank you.


2010 by zentara